“Sleeping with the enemy is hot. Why do you think I have the whole ‘Ivanka’ thing?”
— Chuck Bass on Gossip Girl, encouraging Nate to bed a Red State redhead
Before we drive our mom’s Camry down the L.I.E. to gatecrash the White Party, let’s pause to remember the seventeen-year-olds-who-were from season two.
The U.E.S. girls and boys graduated from Constance and that dude school and were super worried about becoming irrelevant. Gossip Girl most def does not blast txts about college kidz, so how will anyone know that they’re fans of Chipotle in this man-really-is-an-island era of Facebook anonymity??
Luckily, Serena ruins everybody’s life and GG announces that she’ll continue to catalog their missteps in college. “Caaaaaaannonbaaaaall!” shouted one CW writer to the other as they jumped into their Scrooge McDuck Money Bin.
The l’il high school grads, inexplicably driven to move the plot with something other than Nate’s libido, still want to know WHO IS Gossip Girl. A billion minutes later, we learn that THEY are Gossip Girl, GOSSIP GIRL IS THEY! This is exactly the sort of thing Maureen Dowd would write a column about. Don’t even think about it, Red.
Third season begins. The Humphensteins have taken to their new tax bracket like champs. Li’l J is lounging poolside at Lily’s summer house, exhausted after wrestling dolphins and steering her clipper ship off the coast. Are ripped up fishermen’s nets really in style this fall? Don’t even think about it, Red.
Dan and Daddy are taking a casual walk in the lively, green woods — presumably to have signs of respiration around Dan as he explains three months worth of back-story without ever actually breathing. No idea what he said. Did an owl just hoot? Moving on.
Nate touches down in his chopper with redhead, Bree Buckley. Turns out she’s from rival political fam. A red Ferrari magically appears and they time travel to a daytime soap where we can watch and hope that episodic amnesia and tight camera shots make them more interesting.
Now, the golden couple. Blair and Chuck. At the end of last season, Basstastic braved H1N1 in the damp streets of Paris to buy Blair her fav control top panty hose. Then he said I-love-you. He even kinda sorta smiled! The stuff of fairy tales! Now the pair is adding blondes to their bedroom rotations. Being a kid is tough.
Serena, meanwhile, is hounded by paparazzi 24/7 when she gets back to the city. She insists that no funny business went on abroad — only sun salutations and colon cleansings. Tiny Dancer doesn’t believe her, but he’s blabbering on without a forest in the backdrop so we decided to check out Anna Sui’s new GG-inspired clothing line on the internets.
Eventually Diaper ends up at the coffee house, which looks more than ever like the saloon from the set of Deadwood. There’s Billy the Kid’s carafe for steamed soymilk! Vanessa lumbers up to the splintered cafe table and asks where Diaper got that there fancy cowhide money holding dee-vice. Diaper begins to cry and folds the 100 dollah bills into tiny footballs which he flicks into Van’s hair-don’t.
Score! Every GG episode has a party, and we learn that our first party of the season is the Archibald’s polo match in Greenwich! Evurbody’s invited, except people with bad hair. Vanz and secretly respirating Humphrey son, Scott, hatch a devilish plan to gain admission that involves showing up and walking in. The rich people will never see this coming. Do buses even go to CT?
Party time!! Long dresses are in. Scotch tries to talk to Daddy Humphrey about the weather. Yeah I’m a friend of Vanessa’s. Of course I tried to put a comb through that nest. But hey I took a train all this way to meet YOU! Or maybe it was that bus from Chinatown to Chinatown? Look, I’m confused, and your soulful voice spoke to me through a free iTunes download. Daddy Humphrey immediately recognized the blabbering idiot as his own lost boy. Do you want a cowhide money-holding dee-vice, son?
Serena sweeps past the screen on a horse and is later found crying about daddy issues. Chuck and Blair move to phase 2 of their relationship: Dancing With the Stars and a bucket of chicken. And Gossip Girl signs off like Carrie Bradshaw — with a list of truths so simple, so touching, so relatable, that we remember why we watch pretty people with great clothes in the first place. Next week: Grammy Rhodes moves into the apartment and bludgeons Diaper with a cane whenever he speaks.